unplugged

It’s 1994 and I am 

Turning four and Kurt

Cobain has recently

Holed himself up and got a 

Hole in the head, either

Put it there himself or his 

Wife arranged the details. 

I was not aware of any of this,

Only four and the biggest 

Meteor in my life was my parents’

Impending divorce. 

I remember, possibly the 

First thing I remember, 

Standing in front of the big

Mirror in their bedroom with my hand on the glass,

Wanting to step through to the other side. 

I looked at the thin strip of nothing between 

My hand and my hand’s

Reflection and wondered what

Made up that space, it never occurred to me then that it was

Just the mirror. 

My husband held our

Foster dog, the one with

Thin limbs and 

Muscle tics,

In front of the wall of mirrors in the

Bedroom of my new apartment. 

He said

Look at yourself. It’s 

Neko. Why does she look at you

Before she looks at herself? He walked her

Closer so her nose was touching the nose of the 

Thing she didn’t want to see. 

Her reflection locked eyes with me. 

I didn’t say, didn’t want to say,

That maybe she doesn’t want to see. 

Maybe it’s easier for her to 

Live in her body than

Look at it.

Maybe that was

Kurt’s problem too, he didn’t

Want to look but the world kept

Inching him closer to the mirror saying,

Look at yourself. Why don’t you

Want to see? 

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