I have a couple of BIG NOVEL IDEAS that are tying me all up in knots. One that I’ve been working the kinks out of for a couple of months and the other, a new idea, one I’m still all tingly and excited about even though there are a lot of gaping holes. I know I can fill them in.
Oh god, the pressure.
I love it, all of the weight of that expectation and the almost-certainty that my expectations are most likely not going to be met. I have a pretty consuming love-hate relationship with writing fiction. It’s hard. It’s multilayered and nuanced and it SHOULD be subtle. When I find a million problems in my first draft (or part of my first draft), I freeze. It all comes rushing in on me and I feel like a failure. I’m probably not a failure, I think that feeling comes from being told my whole life I’ll never be able to live as a writer. At least not a novelist.
Ah, the novelist. Do novelists dream about being poets? That’s the only more romanticized “profession” in my mind.
I guess we live as writers or we don’t. I have picked up the mantle. I am a writer. I saw a blog today about a debut novel that is on the Booker Prize long list after being rejected 47 TIMES. That gives me hope. I know as writers we have to expect rejection.
On WordPress, I send out my little ideas, my little poems and I get “paid” with likes and sometimes even followers. We trade in likes these days, all of us. Likes can cure cancer, if you believe everything you read on Facebook. I collect my likes and followers as currency; I put them towards a career. I use them as stepping stones to building my confidence as a writer and if I ever step out into the arena as a published author, it will be these stepping stones that take me there.
But right now, I’m using WordPress to avoid hitting my 1,000 words-per-day mark.